First off, conflating means "to bring together, merge, or fuse." I had to look it up. Just in case.
It's one of those words that sounds like it could mean the opposite. "Conflicting" sounds similar, right? Conflate - merge. Conflict - disagreement. So if who you want to be is different than who you are then you might be conflating conflicting concepts. Conversely, if those ideas are similar then you could be conjoining congruous conclusions.
English is weird.
I digress. Which means... This morning, I read an article by Michael Leviton titled What I Learned About Love When I Stopped Being Honest. Michael was raised by parents who sought to always tell the truth about what they were feeling, no matter the cost. They believed telling the truth would free them of the burden of dishonesty and hypocrisy, allowing them to live the life they defined.
Later in life, Leviton would find that honesty wasn't always the best policy as it interfered with employers, drove away lovers, and put a roadblock in between himself and potential friends. Imagine telling employers your every weakness and that you don't know how to get better at them or someone on a date about all of your past lovers.
Could be some drawbacks there.
Sure, there's something to be said about being honest about who you are in order to not be known as liar. But being selective about who hears those truths is important as well.
In the article, Michael wrote that when he started "lying" he would feel ill if he answered that he was "fine" to the question, "How are you?" Small talk is dreadful for someone who was built to be honest about their feelings.
This struck me a bit, as I recalled my own article, titled This is Fine - or is it? In the article I talked about how many of us are just trying to keep it together, telling coworkers, friends, and family that we are "fine" - even if we are not - and that that's OK.
I would love to be totally honest with everyone but the truth is that there are about a handful of people on the entire planet that I am totally honest with and most of the time I don't come right out and say what's going on the first chance that I get.
It's not because I don't want them to know everything that's going on, but rather, I just want them to know that I'm OK and I'm making progress toward who or what or where I want to be.
As of late there is a huge push for people to be who they are. To accept themselves and ask people to accept that. Which I'm all for. Here for it, as they say. Be yourself.
I think the second part of it, which Leviton speaks to a bit, is realizing that who you want to be could be different than who you currently are. And understanding that changes may need to be made in order to be who you want to be.
He writes that he realized that being completely honest with total strangers was damaging and that it didn't give him a chance to understand who was special.
The selectiveness of his honesty gave it meaning.
Who he wanted to be was someone who could have cordial relationships, develop deep ones, and understand others as they understood him. By being mindful and selective with those he shared things with, he gave value to his stories and his intimacy. He went so far as to develop rules for "lying" so that he could become better at those relationships.
The person I used to be is completely different than who I am now. Maybe not a total makeover, but close. In grade school I was shy. My first year in college I was on a mission to attend every single party ECU had to offer. I realized that wasn't the best path and charted a new course.
After college I wanted to make money and afford expensive things; now I want to make enough that I can be comfortable and do good work. I realized the former wasn't for me and again charted a new course.
For me, there's always been a tug-of-war between who I am and who I wanted to be.
I thought they were different people.
Now I'm realizing that it's time to be the person I want to be - that person isn't years away. He's now.
Leviton's rules for lying:
Hide your feelings & observations
Be what the person in front of you wants
Learn to make small talk
Don't be yourself
Interesting. Many people, I would venture to guess that the majority of people, do this on a regular basis. But for him, these were not natural rules of life.
I'm reminded that it is commonplace for people from other countries to be more open and honest as well - or more closed off - but they don't hide as much as Americans do. So I'm speaking from a very US-centric viewpoint.
He created these rules because he wanted friends, a good job, and a family. But he wouldn't get there being who he was.
The person who I see myself as down the road lives a chill life. Helping others, seeing the world, contributing to a community. I want to impact those around me. In my work, in my life, and the lives of my friends and families.
Maybe it's time to set some rules for myself for how I accomplish that.
I have to think about the relationships I have now, the ones I hope to develop, and the ones from my past where bridges remain but may need some new support - or perhaps they lay smoldering in need of a full rebuild. How can I repair the ones that need it? How do I maintain the ones I have and will have?
Most importantly, what is my approach to bringing value and impact to those relationships?
Rule 1 - Be present in conversation. I probably have mild ADHD or ADD - whatever the acronym is. I can zone out instantly and have a wild daydream in 30 seconds when someone is talking to me. I have learned applicable techniques over the years like active listening, listen & repeat, saying someone's name when speaking to them, and looking into someone's eyes when speaking; I should apply these going forward in order to be more present and engaged.
Rule 2 - Dig deeper. This one is difficult for me. I'm great at small talk and I'm happy to have a pleasant conversation with just about anyone - but asking astute or poignant questions is difficult. I have to assume there are techniques for this, so I'll Google them, but it will likely involve something that Leviton talked about: starting with a script until you build enough trust that you can move away from it.
Rule 3 - Follow-up and get involved. Again, I'm great at getting to know someone on a surface level, but I rarely take time to connect afterward. I must be better at getting involved with the person or in my community and taking time to check in with folks who have expressed interest.
Rule 4 - Don't be myself. Alright, I'm copying Leviton's 4th rule. But if I am to become the person I want to be then I can't repeat all the things that I've done up until now, right? Otherwise I would already be there.
Whereas for Leviton, being less up front let him be more selective and thus more intimate, I hope to broaden my network by letting more people know who I am and who I want to be, then becoming closer via shared interests.
Let's see if it works out!
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